i'm a fookin rocket scientist.

inhale:

the last few months have been, weird, to say the least. on one hand, i feel like i'm moving forward. on the other, i'm lost. i've set so many goals for the next year and have met quite a few in the last few months but i don't feel like i'm doing enough. ever. it's an itch i can't scratch. it's an easy task to find me just sitting on my roof at any time writing and making half assed attempts at figuring life and myself out. there's no time for feeling accomplished. there will be plenty of that once i've undone every mistake i've made in the last three years. both minor and major.

a short summary:

in the last few months, i've gotten a job, distanced myself from a large number of people, kinda sorta tried to reconnect with a few, started new friendships, became afraid and ran from those, settled in my room, regained composure, decided i wasn't going to let myself be so easily frightened, decided that wasn't a smart decision, stayed in my room some more, made a life plan for the next year, came out of my room and started getting shit done.

winter:

christmas is upon us all and like always, i'm not excited. never in my life have i actually enjoyed the christmas season. like, sure, when i was younger the gifts were cool but, i get bored easily and don't even enjoy those the day after. but this year, i'm giving. boy, am i giving. i took three hundred bucks out of my savings and went bananas with it. i'm getting such a huge kick out of this. my family keeps asking me what i want and i keep dodging the question. so far, i haven't really given much of an answer to anyone. why? because this year, the only gift i want is something i can only give myself: confidence.

explanation:

i don't want anyone to come up to me and be like 'well, shit anthony. you're getting your life together. i noticed. good job.' no. i want to able to look at myself in the mirror and be able to smile and know that i'm doing good. i want to be able to toot my own horn, pat myself on the back. i want to be sure footed moving forward. want, want, want, want, want.

revelation:

so there's this girl. actually, was this girl. we met last year but didn't really have an actual conversation until this past summer. we hit it off really well and things were great. i was happy. she was too. it was what it was. then, things went super down hill, back up hill, and then hit the ground. now, sparing you the details, i feel like some real 500 days of summer shit got pulled on me. and honestly, i could've done this better but, my solution to the problem was to sever all ties. when i mean all, i mean all. i feel bad. everyone tells me i shouldn't, but i do. i got screwed over, i reacted in what all the people who know the situation call 'accordingly.' why do i feel bad? because i'm fairly certain that if you were to ask her, things were fine until i disappeared on her. in my mind, i didn't just 'disappear' like i normally do. i did it in a rude way. it was abrupt. no parting words. nothing. and i feel like shit. i know in a few months, i'll get the feeling and will try and undo it or at least make it right but right now, i can't. i know i won't make to 'in a few months' without it being this way. fuck.

exhale:

this feeling in my gut says i'm on my way. my mind says i'm not even close to finding the path. we'll see who wins. wish me luck?

Die and be a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a villain.

The past few weeks have been hard. I'm just really down and no matter what I do, I can't snap out of this funk. I've tried to keep myself happy and talking to people and all that junk but it's just so damn hard. I haven't even left my house in like three weeks. I've just been sitting in my room watching movies, reading, and basically stewing in depression. The only time I leave my lair is to go on the back porch and smoke. Which isn't often given the fact I've been smoking less and less lately. I don't know. Facebook sucks with this whole 'on this day last year' thing it's got going. Why? Because I'm having how happy I was on this day last year shoved in my fucking face every time I log on. Whatever.

I'm really not one for self help or 'ten steps to success!' books but I saw this at the library the other day and for since it was Russell Simmons, I decided to check out. After reading Donald Trumps shitty forward the book was actually good. It wasn't preachy or any of that. I've read self help books in the past but this wasn't anything like them. It basically takes twelve principles that should be ingrained in everyone and tells to remember to remember them. I'd suggest it to anyone not really looking for love or money but on how to make themselves into a better person.

Somewhere in between drowning in depression and reading Russel and Dean Koontz, I managed to watch the every episode (so far) of Adventure Time in about three days. No I didn't sleep. Yes I still managed to work.

Speaking of work, not leaving my house has been really good on my pocket. I think after buying some new clothes and shoes(I think the last clothing related purchase I made was a pack of v necks at walmart in April so yeah, I need those things) I'm gonna buy this despite the fact I should really be putting more money towards a car. I just really want a longboard. I suck at deciding on what to spend money on. Once again, whatever.

Kicking your crosses down.

I don't even know what to do, think, or say anymore. Shit gets good, then shit gets real. I deal with it. Whatever. All I've done since my last blog post is write, fuck shit up, get high as shit, and make sure(to the point of heavy worrying) that all my future plans are going to work out. Sorry for the shitty post.

Protest songs in response to military aggression

I'm literally bursting at the seams with this secret. Yet I know the second I let it out, I'll regret it because then I'll have to deal with the whole 'OMG EVERYONE LOVES KEN ALL OF A SUDDEN JUST BECAUSE KEN IS DOING THIS BUT WE'LL TOTALLY FORGET ABOUT HIM RIGHT AFTER IT HAPPENS AND BLOWS OVER' thing. So instead, I've been planting little seeds here and there and everywhere. I'm almost surprised not one person has caught on. Keyword:almost. SO. EXCITED.

You have never lived because you have never died.

I recently acquired a secret. I've only told one person. Said person is someone I've only been talking to for less than a week. Why I told her, I have no idea. But it's there. This secret has changed everything for me. It's given me a lot of hope, something to look forward to, and a general direction to take my life in. I don't really plan on telling anyone else about what's going on until either right before it's gonna happen, during the act, or right after. Either way, a lot of people will be shocked. My closest friends, however, will really see this one coming. All I know is that I'm stocking up on memories and running from how much I'm gonna miss this.

The deaf and the blind.

Last night I had a dream where I was having a conversation with myself from a year ago. Past self was trying to figure out what happened to me. How I ended up like THIS. Why I gave up on all my dreams. How I really don't have a purpose. I couldn't come up with a solid answer. I woke up right after past me asked me this: Why am I okay with just surviving?

I get into the weirdest moods after things like that.

Back Burner

I'm nineteen. But I feel like I'm going on thirty. I really feel like I'm going nowhere. I need to make a decision on what the hell I'm going to do with my life. Like, I know I don't want to live a 'conventional' life. Conventional meaning: Regular job, married by twenty five or so, kids by thirty, grow old, and die. Seriously. If you get the feeling I'm heading down that path, you have permission to kill me. I don't want that. It's too.....mundane for me. I mean, I get the job part. It's necessary. But I know for a fact I'm never getting married or having kids. EVER. I want a life full of experience. At least I think I want that. I don't know. I'm lost and confused. Whatever.

I've recently found this hobby. It's pretty morbid. I've been obsessing over famous suicide notes. Not for any specific reason other than the fact that when people are pushed that far, and have made that decision, they write some pretty interesting stuff. Yes. I realize just how weird of me this is. But, you have to consider the fact that this is coming from kid obsessed with serial killers and how that kind of mind works. All of the above being said, something is coming up in my life. Actually, 'coming back' is a better phrase to use. I can't run from this anymore. Give it until Wednesday.

Let's be straight up for a minute.

I don’t give a shit about people’s drama.

Involving me hardly ever works out in your favor.

I’ve made mistakes, but mistakes have made me who I am.

I can honestly say I don’t hate anyone. I dislike people. But hate them? No.

My close friends mean everything to me and I will kill for them if need be.

Death Cab For Cutie has both saved and nearly ended my life.

Fire pokemon>every other type. Cyndaquil is the best. Which is why he’s going on my body.

Although to some it’s cliche, my chest piece is my motto.

I’m indecisive.

I don’t want to ‘be somebody’ when I get older. I just want to be happy.

Helping people through their problems is my way of making my past right.

I rarely vent to people because I feel whiny. I’ll admit I used to but I’ve stopped. Not healthy. I know. Get over it.

My religious views are mine. Not yours. And if you choose not to like mine, it sucks for you.

My views on drug and alcohol use are the same. They’re mine and mine alone.

Which all leads me to my next point: My life is mine. Let ME do MY thing. You do yours.

You may or may not like me because of who I am, who I choose to call my friend, or the choices I make. I accept that. I accept you. I don’t care who you are. What you’ve done. Who you’ve done it to or with. I ESPECIALLY don’t care what people say about you. In fact, that makes me more interested in knowing you. Because I want to know you. I want to find out for myself.

This is what makes Anthony, Anthony.