Tsk, Tsk

Although it isn't a big step for everyone, applying for/going to college is for me. A big part of it is my strong dislike (not hatred, but close) for school. The small part is my giant fear that I'll go and end up wasting a ton of money or putting myself in major debt only to fail. Actually, my fear of failing is probably a bigger part of it. But, I took that step and applied to a few colleges over the last few days. I still don't know what I want to do but I'm more focused on just getting there right now than what I'll be going for. The next step in this process for me is actually going backwards and facing something I was dead set on not doing in high school: Taking the ACT. I didn't take it because 1. I had zero desire to ever go to college and 2. My head was stuck way too far up my own ass. Better late than never, though. Right? Wish me luck and all those other 'I know you have zero effect on what I'm doing but I could sure use a positive and encouraging statement from you' type sayings.

pp

i still wonder what happened to you. quite often, in fact. are you happy? what kind of shit are you interested in now? what do you think about this whole election thing? why? do you ever think of me? i know that last one is something i shouldn't ask, but i would. and every single time i see a red hamster car, i eagerly stare at the drive hoping it's you. it's pretty ridiculous. i'm sure i've creeped out many a driver that's on their way to work, or going to a movie, or doing something other than being you. there's so much i'd say, given the chance. i'd apologize, and talk way too fast and have to repeat myself, and just do everything that's expected of someone that had a wonderful friendship cut short. but since i know my chances of getting to do any of that are in the negative, i'll just leave it here, knowing you probably won't see it, but feeling better having gotten it off my chest: i really do wish you the best. everything you want, i want for you. i hope you do nothing everyday but wake up and smile and have awesome days filled with awesome experiences. i've missed you something fierce and hope you feel the same. so there's that. or as much of it as i can put into sentences that make sense. it'd just be cool if we would have like a chance encounter where for two seconds the world stops and all we get to say is 'hey! how're you' and each respond and then spew the usual excuse about how we're both on our way to something or late for something and say 'bye!' and that be it. that'd be really, really cool. so, yeah.

sidenote;

I just love how life continues to point out to me just how bad being 'me' is. I mean, yeah. i know i should be changing but right now, i don't know exactly who or what i'm supposed to be changing to. and just being honest, i'm not even sure if i even should keep trying to change. not to sound crazy cliche right now, but i'm tired of fighting to stay afloat. i really, really, am. fuck it. i'm going to bed.

inadvertent

it's almost been a week since i woke up and was a different person. and for someone having to take in everything as a brand new experience, i think i'm doing pretty well. by 'doing pretty well' i mean i haven't had too many social mishaps or anything bad like that. although the change is obvious. i go to work and people are asking if i'm sick or pissed or going through something and since i can't exactly come out and tell them i had a shroom trip and lost myself, i tell them that i'm fine. and i paint the smile everyone is so familiar with on my face. and they look at me. and for a split second, they debate not letting the issue go and saying something. then, BAM! just as fast as that thought slammed into their head, social etiquette kicks in and they remember that they're supposed to walk away. and that's exactly what they do.

you have no idea how happy it makes me that nobody outside of my group of friends is acknowledging this. it makes it so much easier on me. gives me time to adjust.

i'm a fookin rocket scientist.

inhale:

the last few months have been, weird, to say the least. on one hand, i feel like i'm moving forward. on the other, i'm lost. i've set so many goals for the next year and have met quite a few in the last few months but i don't feel like i'm doing enough. ever. it's an itch i can't scratch. it's an easy task to find me just sitting on my roof at any time writing and making half assed attempts at figuring life and myself out. there's no time for feeling accomplished. there will be plenty of that once i've undone every mistake i've made in the last three years. both minor and major.

a short summary:

in the last few months, i've gotten a job, distanced myself from a large number of people, kinda sorta tried to reconnect with a few, started new friendships, became afraid and ran from those, settled in my room, regained composure, decided i wasn't going to let myself be so easily frightened, decided that wasn't a smart decision, stayed in my room some more, made a life plan for the next year, came out of my room and started getting shit done.

winter:

christmas is upon us all and like always, i'm not excited. never in my life have i actually enjoyed the christmas season. like, sure, when i was younger the gifts were cool but, i get bored easily and don't even enjoy those the day after. but this year, i'm giving. boy, am i giving. i took three hundred bucks out of my savings and went bananas with it. i'm getting such a huge kick out of this. my family keeps asking me what i want and i keep dodging the question. so far, i haven't really given much of an answer to anyone. why? because this year, the only gift i want is something i can only give myself: confidence.

explanation:

i don't want anyone to come up to me and be like 'well, shit anthony. you're getting your life together. i noticed. good job.' no. i want to able to look at myself in the mirror and be able to smile and know that i'm doing good. i want to be able to toot my own horn, pat myself on the back. i want to be sure footed moving forward. want, want, want, want, want.

revelation:

so there's this girl. actually, was this girl. we met last year but didn't really have an actual conversation until this past summer. we hit it off really well and things were great. i was happy. she was too. it was what it was. then, things went super down hill, back up hill, and then hit the ground. now, sparing you the details, i feel like some real 500 days of summer shit got pulled on me. and honestly, i could've done this better but, my solution to the problem was to sever all ties. when i mean all, i mean all. i feel bad. everyone tells me i shouldn't, but i do. i got screwed over, i reacted in what all the people who know the situation call 'accordingly.' why do i feel bad? because i'm fairly certain that if you were to ask her, things were fine until i disappeared on her. in my mind, i didn't just 'disappear' like i normally do. i did it in a rude way. it was abrupt. no parting words. nothing. and i feel like shit. i know in a few months, i'll get the feeling and will try and undo it or at least make it right but right now, i can't. i know i won't make to 'in a few months' without it being this way. fuck.

exhale:

this feeling in my gut says i'm on my way. my mind says i'm not even close to finding the path. we'll see who wins. wish me luck?

Die and be a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a villain.

The past few weeks have been hard. I'm just really down and no matter what I do, I can't snap out of this funk. I've tried to keep myself happy and talking to people and all that junk but it's just so damn hard. I haven't even left my house in like three weeks. I've just been sitting in my room watching movies, reading, and basically stewing in depression. The only time I leave my lair is to go on the back porch and smoke. Which isn't often given the fact I've been smoking less and less lately. I don't know. Facebook sucks with this whole 'on this day last year' thing it's got going. Why? Because I'm having how happy I was on this day last year shoved in my fucking face every time I log on. Whatever.

I'm really not one for self help or 'ten steps to success!' books but I saw this at the library the other day and for since it was Russell Simmons, I decided to check out. After reading Donald Trumps shitty forward the book was actually good. It wasn't preachy or any of that. I've read self help books in the past but this wasn't anything like them. It basically takes twelve principles that should be ingrained in everyone and tells to remember to remember them. I'd suggest it to anyone not really looking for love or money but on how to make themselves into a better person.

Somewhere in between drowning in depression and reading Russel and Dean Koontz, I managed to watch the every episode (so far) of Adventure Time in about three days. No I didn't sleep. Yes I still managed to work.

Speaking of work, not leaving my house has been really good on my pocket. I think after buying some new clothes and shoes(I think the last clothing related purchase I made was a pack of v necks at walmart in April so yeah, I need those things) I'm gonna buy this despite the fact I should really be putting more money towards a car. I just really want a longboard. I suck at deciding on what to spend money on. Once again, whatever.

Kicking your crosses down.

I don't even know what to do, think, or say anymore. Shit gets good, then shit gets real. I deal with it. Whatever. All I've done since my last blog post is write, fuck shit up, get high as shit, and make sure(to the point of heavy worrying) that all my future plans are going to work out. Sorry for the shitty post.