Tsk, Tsk

Although it isn't a big step for everyone, applying for/going to college is for me. A big part of it is my strong dislike (not hatred, but close) for school. The small part is my giant fear that I'll go and end up wasting a ton of money or putting myself in major debt only to fail. Actually, my fear of failing is probably a bigger part of it. But, I took that step and applied to a few colleges over the last few days. I still don't know what I want to do but I'm more focused on just getting there right now than what I'll be going for. The next step in this process for me is actually going backwards and facing something I was dead set on not doing in high school: Taking the ACT. I didn't take it because 1. I had zero desire to ever go to college and 2. My head was stuck way too far up my own ass. Better late than never, though. Right? Wish me luck and all those other 'I know you have zero effect on what I'm doing but I could sure use a positive and encouraging statement from you' type sayings.

pp

i still wonder what happened to you. quite often, in fact. are you happy? what kind of shit are you interested in now? what do you think about this whole election thing? why? do you ever think of me? i know that last one is something i shouldn't ask, but i would. and every single time i see a red hamster car, i eagerly stare at the drive hoping it's you. it's pretty ridiculous. i'm sure i've creeped out many a driver that's on their way to work, or going to a movie, or doing something other than being you. there's so much i'd say, given the chance. i'd apologize, and talk way too fast and have to repeat myself, and just do everything that's expected of someone that had a wonderful friendship cut short. but since i know my chances of getting to do any of that are in the negative, i'll just leave it here, knowing you probably won't see it, but feeling better having gotten it off my chest: i really do wish you the best. everything you want, i want for you. i hope you do nothing everyday but wake up and smile and have awesome days filled with awesome experiences. i've missed you something fierce and hope you feel the same. so there's that. or as much of it as i can put into sentences that make sense. it'd just be cool if we would have like a chance encounter where for two seconds the world stops and all we get to say is 'hey! how're you' and each respond and then spew the usual excuse about how we're both on our way to something or late for something and say 'bye!' and that be it. that'd be really, really cool. so, yeah.

sidenote;

I just love how life continues to point out to me just how bad being 'me' is. I mean, yeah. i know i should be changing but right now, i don't know exactly who or what i'm supposed to be changing to. and just being honest, i'm not even sure if i even should keep trying to change. not to sound crazy cliche right now, but i'm tired of fighting to stay afloat. i really, really, am. fuck it. i'm going to bed.

inadvertent

it's almost been a week since i woke up and was a different person. and for someone having to take in everything as a brand new experience, i think i'm doing pretty well. by 'doing pretty well' i mean i haven't had too many social mishaps or anything bad like that. although the change is obvious. i go to work and people are asking if i'm sick or pissed or going through something and since i can't exactly come out and tell them i had a shroom trip and lost myself, i tell them that i'm fine. and i paint the smile everyone is so familiar with on my face. and they look at me. and for a split second, they debate not letting the issue go and saying something. then, BAM! just as fast as that thought slammed into their head, social etiquette kicks in and they remember that they're supposed to walk away. and that's exactly what they do.

you have no idea how happy it makes me that nobody outside of my group of friends is acknowledging this. it makes it so much easier on me. gives me time to adjust.