inhale:
the last few months have been, weird, to say the least. on one hand, i feel like i'm moving forward. on the other, i'm lost. i've set so many goals for the next year and have met quite a few in the last few months but i don't feel like i'm doing enough. ever. it's an itch i can't scratch. it's an easy task to find me just sitting on my roof at any time writing and making half assed attempts at figuring life and myself out. there's no time for feeling accomplished. there will be plenty of that once i've undone every mistake i've made in the last three years. both minor and major.
a short summary:
in the last few months, i've gotten a job, distanced myself from a large number of people, kinda sorta tried to reconnect with a few, started new friendships, became afraid and ran from those, settled in my room, regained composure, decided i wasn't going to let myself be so easily frightened, decided that wasn't a smart decision, stayed in my room some more, made a life plan for the next year, came out of my room and started getting shit done.
winter:
christmas is upon us all and like always, i'm not excited. never in my life have i actually enjoyed the christmas season. like, sure, when i was younger the gifts were cool but, i get bored easily and don't even enjoy those the day after. but this year, i'm giving. boy, am i giving. i took three hundred bucks out of my savings and went bananas with it. i'm getting such a huge kick out of this. my family keeps asking me what i want and i keep dodging the question. so far, i haven't really given much of an answer to anyone. why? because this year, the only gift i want is something i can only give myself: confidence.
explanation:
i don't want anyone to come up to me and be like 'well, shit anthony. you're getting your life together. i noticed. good job.' no. i want to able to look at myself in the mirror and be able to smile and know that i'm doing good. i want to be able to toot my own horn, pat myself on the back. i want to be sure footed moving forward. want, want, want, want, want.
revelation:
so there's this girl. actually, was this girl. we met last year but didn't really have an actual conversation until this past summer. we hit it off really well and things were great. i was happy. she was too. it was what it was. then, things went super down hill, back up hill, and then hit the ground. now, sparing you the details, i feel like some real 500 days of summer shit got pulled on me. and honestly, i could've done this better but, my solution to the problem was to sever all ties. when i mean all, i mean all. i feel bad. everyone tells me i shouldn't, but i do. i got screwed over, i reacted in what all the people who know the situation call 'accordingly.' why do i feel bad? because i'm fairly certain that if you were to ask her, things were fine until i disappeared on her. in my mind, i didn't just 'disappear' like i normally do. i did it in a rude way. it was abrupt. no parting words. nothing. and i feel like shit. i know in a few months, i'll get the feeling and will try and undo it or at least make it right but right now, i can't. i know i won't make to 'in a few months' without it being this way. fuck.
exhale:
this feeling in my gut says i'm on my way. my mind says i'm not even close to finding the path. we'll see who wins. wish me luck?
